The bear "clinker" with Junior inside.Once upon a time—say in the last two weeks--there were three black bears who should have lived deep in the Chequamegon National Forest in northern Wisconsin--a goodly ways from the little town of Bayfield. There was Papa Bear, Mama Bear (with Cubs #1 and #2) and Junior, a rambunctious teenager. As far a we know they were not family; probably didn’t know each other, but they were all motivated by the same thing: dinner…and perhaps the desire to connect with Goldilocks (but only if she was cooking.)
Papa Bear had the urge first. He was scoping out the possibilities along the Brownstone trail on the south shore of Lake Superior when his finely tuned nose picked up the sweet scent of blueberry pie and apple turnover wafting through the side window of Judy’s Gourmet Garage. The partially open casement provided little resistance and once inside he devoured the entire counter of goodies. Ummmmmm, delicious!
Of course, one good turnover deserves another, so the next night Papa Bear ambled back for a second go at it. Finding the casement closed proved no problem, he simply took out the whole window and climbed in, knocking over a large fan in the process. But Judy (no sleeping Goldilocks) was on the alert and between the noise of the fan and Judy’s dog, Papa Bear retreated. When he returned a couple hours later he found the opening where the window had been boarded up, so he registered his complaint by shredding the screen door and leaving large claw marks on the wooden door. He was not in a good humor!
A couple of nights later Mama Bear decided to give the cubs a lesson in dumpster diving. The night was warm; the stars were out. As they climbed out the Big Ravine and strolled toward the Old Courthouse a light was burning in a kitchen across the street and the fragrance of fresh bread and cinnamon buns perfumed the air around it. What a delightful invitation! They entered the yard just as the kitchen door opened and a large dog ran yapping toward them. Stupid dog to attack Mama Bear and her cubs! She cuffed him a few times to teach him his manners.
This upset Goldilocks who was watching from the kitchen door. She ran out and tried to call her dog back in. Mama Bear now ran at Goldilocks who drew herself up, raised her arms over her head and roared at her. Whoa! Mama Bear went back to teaching the dog. Meanwhile Goldilocks was just inside the door trying to dial 911. The dog having turned and run, Mama Bear trotted over to the kitchen door and stuck her head inside, only to be clobbered on the head by Goldilocks wielding the phone like a club and then slamming the door in her face! How rude! She packed up the cubs and left!
It was three days later and high noon. Time for all bears to be taking a siesta. But it is hard to sleep on an empty stomach and he was in the neighborhood—so Junior decided to check out the house on the edge of woods. He had hung out there the night before, knocking over buckets of wood ashes and batting at the wind chimes in hopes they were hummingbird feeders. The smell of chicken sandwich greeted him through the screen porch. His anticipation was so great that he failed to notice Goldilocks sitting not ten feet away at the kitchen table when he shredded a screen with one paw and knocked over a shelf of potted cactus with the other.
Great balls of fire, how that girl could yell! He could see her now thru the glass door that separated the kitchen from the porch. Boy, was she mad! Whoa! She was coming out at him, picking up two now empty planters and banging them as he backed out. He sat down about ten feet away. “Hey, Goldi, it’s lunchtime how about a little chicken for a hungry traveler?” More yelling and banging. “Okay, okay, keep your shirt on.” Junior retreated to the edge of the woods. Even this did not satisfy her. She charged out, and threw a stick of firewood at him. He looked at it with disdain. That must have really gotten her nanny because she now came at him banging two cooking pans together. What a racket! Enough to wake a hibernating grizzly in a January blizzard! “Okay, I get the picture, I’ll skedaddle.
And the fate of those bad boys? Papa and Junior both did time in the “clinker”, a metal barrel baited with cookies and honey that snapped shut when they entered. They were charged with breaking and entering, vandalism and petty theft. They now have a police record complete with ear tags and they are currently on probation in a woods far, far away. Mama Bear was given leniency because of the cubs and well, she didn’t really do any harm; the dog recovered with a few scratches and hopefully wiser. Which all goes to prove that little Goldilocks aren’t as naive as they once were!
